I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
