just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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