Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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