two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
