I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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