Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Randomize
