True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
