I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I love having hate sex.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
