Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
