I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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