By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
