so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
