do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
