why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
