Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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