very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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