and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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