nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
