I accidentally had phone sex last night
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
