everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
