Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
