my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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