he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize