Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
