I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize