I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
