Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We left the knife in your bed.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
