I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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