rhymes with "ouble enetration"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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