Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
