the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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