Little spoons don't ask big questions
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize