you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
