I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
