I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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