You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
50% drunk capacity currently
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
