Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize