I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
