I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
