I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
