I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
