We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize