if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
