I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
BRING THE BAGELS
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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