Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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