dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
