I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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