so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
