I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
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