FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
