Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
