i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
