the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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