I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
