new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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