At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
