True but thats because hes a fetus.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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