Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Sober January is a disaster.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
