you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize