A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize