Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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