I got chris browned last night
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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