i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
