it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Someone shit on the floor
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
