I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
