1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
