I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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